the vegetable.

le sigh. i want to sincerely apologize for the timing on this blog. i took what was supposed to be a brief nap earlier this evening in the midst of *those* dreadful cramps. 3 and a half hours later, i woke up, looked at the time, and laughed. thanks for nothing, alarm. geez.

i want to discuss "the vegetable" section, or pgs. 189-197 of Persepolis 2. this is a pivotal section in understanding her evolution as a teen, searching for who she was (or thought she was, at least), as her entire identity was void of a stable foundation (physically and mentally). i truly felt for marjane as she took us inch by inch, limb by limb through her physical transformation on pg. 189. it reminded me of the panels in the syllabus we discussed in class, of the woman turning 39 and discovering her "saddlebags" (sorry, i don't remember the name of it!). those elements of women seeing our body parts in isolation, of severing them, otherizing them as we point out their seemingly insane differences from what they previously were. this, it seems, only happens with parts of our bodies we don't like, otherwise, the body stares back at us from the page in its whole form, right? even when marjane shows us her full body in the first three panels on the page, it's to emphasize how tall she's grown, so it's appropriate. but the exaggeration of her metamorphosis through the usage of The Hulk was both HILARIOUS and a little disheartening when she begins the breakdown.

in a sense, her breakdown isn't that far off from how i experienced it in puberty, either; mine just happened much earlier. similarly, she paid such close attention to each detail that shifted in her bones, facial structure, chest, butt, chin line, foot, and of course, "hideous" beauty mark. panel by panel, she addresses herself as if it's a step-by-step process to creating a Frankenstein. this immediately shows us that a plummet in her self-esteem and self-confidence is taking place, and much more of it to come.

it was a cruel combination, being a teenager in a country away from home. part of me wonders if she became so body conscious as a result of moving to Vienna, where her identity and sense of self is extra heightened because she's more visible as an Iranian woman. it's as if before, she didn't need to see herself as attractive to boys (being a preteen and all), but now, she does, because she feels pressure from her roommate "getting action".

she's trying to navigate multiple identities all at once, yet run away from her identity as an Iranian. she tried to close this gap with the punk aesthetic, but with backhanded, halfass compliments like "have you seen how beautiful she is now?" from Julie, it becomes obvious that she can't please herself through others (190). her crew of pseudo-intellectual nihilists interrogate her, and momo (who i genuinely can't stand -- get off your soapbox), takes her cutting everyone's hair hair to an entire other level, as if she's turning into a "normie". it's a constant race to prove her authenticity somewhere, but distancing herself from anything she truly believed in.  it's something that used to be a point of pride, but for her it's easier to assimilate than constantly endure arguments and people assuming they know her identity better than she does. still, she realized it was harder running away than accepting. on page 194, all that she comes from resurfaces in her subconscious mind. the black montage of her and her family, air strikes, the time she snuck to the protest with her maid, and other moments remind her of all that she tried so hard to forget. i love marjane's choice on the next page to show just how painful these memories were, just how much shame she felt, in outright denying her Iranian identity and passing for French. annnnnd...it didn't work. she internalized the global depiction of Iran as "the epitome of evil", mentioning "it was easier to lie than to assume that burden" (195). what was this burden? everything and everyone in her montage wasn't a burden -- the Iran she knew -- but she knew in a distant country that she'd have to shoulder the burden and represent everything stereotypically "evil" about Iran if she decided to own this. this self-silencing that occurs with people of color feeling isolated in a white environment is no new phenomenon; it's a survival mechanism too many of us know too well. still, the silence never lasts long.

what i LOVED is her reclaiming her identity after having it up to *here* with the rumors from her peers on 197. it becomes clear that their body and beauty image standards, as European, are extreme; she is related to a "cow" and considered outright ugly. she is also a pathological liar, according to them. when she "saw red", the truth flew out, and she didn't give a damn. the way she draws this is magical, with her mega side profile ripping them to shreds. "I AM IRANIAN AND PROUD OF IT!" her tears became pride, once again.

there were many more moments that swallowed her whole, but i just had to focus on the one when she felt the proudest in the end, despite her overall wavering self-esteem. get it, marjane. i, for one, love your beauty mark.